Ending with screen in a modern portmanteau / TUE 4-23-24 / West known for her double entendres / Announces the big reveal in a magic act / Small coastal nation bordering Iraq / Yuck! I've dated him before. Swipe left / Morning, mother / Machu Picchu builders

Constructor: Judy Bowers

Relative difficulty: Easy-Medium (Easy in general, but parsing a couple of those theme answers was tricky)

THEME: TWO (54D: Number of letters in every word of the answers to the starred clues — that's it; that's the theme:

Theme answers:

• "OH NO, EW, HE IS MY EX" (16A: *"Yuck! I've dated him before. Swipe left!")
• "SO, IS IT / UP TO ME?" (23A: *With 42-Across, "Well, do I decide or not?")
• "DO AS WE DO" (32A: *"Follow our lead!")
• "HI, MA. I'M UP" (37A: *"Morning, mother!")
• "OK IF WE GO IN ON IT?" (52A: *"Can this be a gift from all of us?")

Word of the Day: IROC (4D: Classic Camaro) —

 

The third-generation Chevrolet Camaro is an American pony car which was introduced for the 1982 model year by Chevrolet. It continued to use General Motors' F-body platform and produced a "20th Anniversary Commemorative Edition" for 1987 and "25th Anniversary Heritage Edition" for 1992. These were also the first Camaros with factory fuel injection, four-speed automatic transmissions, five-speed manual transmissions, four-cylinder engines, 16-inch wheels, and hatchback bodies. For 1987 a convertible Camaro was reintroduced, converted by ASC in relatively small numbers. The third-generation Camaro continued through the 1992 model year. [...] For 1985, Chevrolet introduced the IROC-Z version that was named after the International Race of Champions. Offered as an option package on the Z28, the Camaro IROC-Z featured an upgraded suspension, lowered ride height, specially valved Delco-Bilstein shocks, larger diameter sway bars, a steering/frame brace known as the "wonder bar", a special decal package, and an optional Tuned Port Injection system taken from the Chevrolet Corvette. It also shared the Corvette's Goodyear "Gatorback" unidirectional tires in a 245/50/VR16 size vs. the Corvette's 255/50/VR16 size, and received unique new aluminum 5-spoke 16-by-8-inch wheels. The new wheels were designed with different offsets front and rear, resulting in the words "Front" or "Rear" cast into the wheels to distinguish which wheel went where. // The Camaro IROC-Z was on Car and Driver magazine's Ten Best list for 1985. (wikipedia)

• • •

I actually psyched myself before opening today's puzzle, telling myself, "Come on! ... it's gonna be a good day! You're gonna find things to like in this puzzle!" And I am. But mostly I'm not. I don't know what you want me to tell you. I cannot pretend that this is acceptable. Even if you somehow found the theme charming, the fill, dear lord, I haven't winced this much in so long. Answer after answer that had me EXCLAIMing "Why?! This grid isn't that hard to fill, why is ACER crossing IROC in this tiny little corner you could fill a million ways!?" That NW corner, i.e. the very beginning, was an omen. 99% of the time, or thereabouts, when the fill in the NW corner is so bad that I have the urge to take a screenshot, the rest of the puzzle ... well, it doesn't improve. If you can't get a little corner like that into shape, what hope do you have with the rest of the grid? Actually, that was one of the weird things about this grid—the fill is worst up top and down below, where the the thematic material *isn't* so dense, while in the middle, where theme material is packed close together, the fill holds up, for the most part (not loving GAEL / SALA, but whatever—at least the theme density gives you an excuse there). I haven't audibly OOFed this much at a grid in a while, from IROC ACER to AGER ICERS to APAIN and UPRISE (do you mean "rise up"?) (42D: Rebel) through all the rest of the middling to sub-middling 3-4-5s, this one kinda hurt. Usually the long stuff comes to the rescue a bit, but probably the worst thing in the grid is an astonishing 10 letters long: SAYS PRESTO! (10D: Announces the big reveal in a magic act). I think I actually said "oh my god, No!" to my computer as I filled that in. SAYS PRESTO!!? I normally use EAT A SANDWICH as the gold standard of "random verb phrase that absolutely cannot stand on its own" but SAYS PRESTO really wants to be the new representative of that category. You say this ... when describing a magic act? How many ... times ... have you done that? (Answer: none, no times). SAYS PRESTO is about as solid an answer as EATS PESTO or LEAVES MODESTO. A comically preposterous answer.

As for the theme, I don't know. Hate to use the word "preposterous" two times so close together, but some of these imagined TWO-word statements do seem that way. I almost like them better when they *are* that way, which is why "DO AS WE DO" kinda ruins things—that's nowhere near the wacky weight class of the other themers. The least a theme like this can do is be consistently, ridiculously wacky, because let me tell you, as revealers go, TWO ... TWO? ... is not really cutting it. I wrote that answer in about halfway through my solve and just stared at it. Then stared into middle distance for a few seconds while I contemplated the nothingness of being that is TWO, summoning the courage to continue. I can't go on. I'll go on. The theme answers are frequently forced. Would you be as informal as "EW" but then use the formal "HE IS" instead of "HE'S"? Unlikely. And there's nothing in the "HI MA, I'M UP" clue suggesting that mom is rousing anyone—"morning" doesn't equate to "I'M UP" very well, or only tenuously. And the initial "words" in a few themers ("OH," "SO," "OK") seem arbitrary. But as I said up front, I can see finding the theme wacky and charming. I didn't, particularly, but I can see how one could. I cannot see how anyone could enjoy how poorly filled this grid is. It tops out at ordinary and frequently sinks far, far lower.

On the plus side, very easy! It's an undersized (14x) grid, so that'll help your solving time for sure, but that's not the only reason this was a speedy experience. Lots of short answers (as we've established), most of them very easy to get (esp. if you are familiar with the full panoply of crosswordese). I had one wrong answer while solving: FOLD for WILT (33D: Crumble under pressure). "Crumble" and WILT couldn't be more dissimilar at a literal level, but figuratively, yeah, the clue works. Time for coffee now. "HI MA, I'M UP!" (just saying hi to my mom in Longmont, CO, who maybe still reads me every morning—I haven't checked recently, but it seems likely. She's pretty ... let's say, loyal, lol. Love you, mom! Did you get my letter? The owl card? Let me know... and say hi to Amy [my sister] when you see her. XO)

Signed, Rex Parker, King of CrossWorld 

P.S. Happy Shakespeare's birthday (observed) 

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