THURSDAY, Dec. 7, 2006 - Kelly Clark

Solving time: 11:20

THEME: Ups and Downs - 4 long vertical theme answers clued with two-word phrases ending "up" or "down," the "up" answers running up and the down answers ... that's right. Example: 13D: Line up? (ngisruoystahw - or "what's your sign" standing on its head)

I like the fact that this grid is unusually shaped, and that all four theme answers are vertical - uncommon. I like also that the four theme answers are all consecutively clued, i.e. 11D, 12D, 13D, and 14D - also uncommon. Nice palindromic (or chiastic) structure to the four theme answers, which run, in order, down-up-up-down. But most of all, I like that this puzzle was written by KELLY CLARKSON! Woo hoo! I saw her in concert, and it was awesome. Perhaps you've seen the photo of me (and my giant hand) adoring her, but it's worth showing again:

Look, I know the author's name is Kelly Clark. I'm just going to consider it a not-so-clever pseudonym. I love you, Kelly!

The fill for the theme answers is not particularly striking, though I do like the idea of upside-down MORTIMERSNERD 12D: Dummy up?. Which is to say, DRENSREMITROM. I got slowed DOWN (slow on the UPtake) by IREMEMBERMAMA (11D: Play down?), because I couldn't figure out what was theme-y about it, especially after I had DRENSREMITROM. I took out all of IREMEMBERMAMA, figuring it was wrong and must really be something upside-down. Then I saw all the theme clues, noticed the "up" / "down" theme, and, uh, got it. Lost some time there. Not a good time. My nemesis at the NYT puzzle site, whom I have dubbed "Chuck," beat me today (after I had thrashed him the day before). O well. Tomorrow is another day, Chuck. Watch your back.

Speaking of Olivia Newton-John ... no fewer than two of my readers sent me this bit of Olivia News. She is apparently suing Universal for back royalties from the sale of the Grease soundtrack. Here is the brief AP article:

LOS ANGELES — Lawsuit is the word [heh, cute]: Olivia Newton-John is suing Universal Music Group Inc. for allegedly failing to pay more than $1 million in royalties on sales of the "Grease" soundtrack album.

Newton-John starred with John Travolta in the 1978 movie version of the Broadway hit.

The breach-of-contract suit was filed Friday in Los Angeles County Superior court. It contends that while Universal did pay some royalties on the album, it failed to make a range of other contractual payments, said John Mason, an attorney for Newton-John.

According to the suit, a recent audit showed Universal owes more than $1 million to Newton-John's company, ON-J Productions [good thing you got that "N" in there...], Ltd.

"The lawsuit is without merit and, at the appropriate time, we expect that the court will dismiss it," Universal said in a statement Tuesday.

Now I'm no lawyer, but my gut tells me Olivia should win this suit and be awarded not only what she's asking for, but massive punitive damages, which she could the use to bring her dreamy, peaceful, sexy vibe to all the people of the world who have never been mellow. I mean, she's like a million years old, and look how cute:
Clearly she has something wonderful to teach us all.

1A: Sounds in a coffee ad (ahs)
4A: Sight in a coffee ad (cup)

Coffee, coffee, bam bam! Nice. I have coffee every morning and yet could not see either of these answers at first glance. I guess if you're going to clue "ah's" and you want the clue to pass the dinner-table test, then yes, go with coffee ads, where people respond in ridiculously sexual ways to their mediocre morning brew. I always loved the ads where the poor, beleaguered housewife watches her husband guzzle coffee at a neighbor's house and then tells us (through the power of ESP) that her husband never asks for a second cup at home. That's because you don't know how to take care of your man, you stupid, selfish cow! You know what else? Your husband's sleeping with your neighbor, too. That's right. I guess you should've put a little more effort into your coffee-making, and a little less into shopping, watching soaps, doing your nails, and sneaking snorts from the flask you keep under the seat cushion of the Barcalounger, you sorry specimen of American wifery. Etc.

I would like to add that I am not fond of 7A: Clothe (tog). TOG is a verb, now? When did that happen?

18A: Studs (breeders)

I believe STUD was a recent answer, and now it is a clue. It is a good, versatile word. I don't like that this clue/answer pairing forces me to visualize horse sex, but I'm all for the word STUD, in theory. I would especially like to see it clued thusly: "'Tell me about it, _____'": last spoken words of Grease."

WORDS I DIDN'T KNOW:

2A: Montana college town named after a French port (Havre)
32A: Semidry American white wine (sauterne)
53A: Spinachlike plant (orach)
42D: Depth charge, slangily (ashcan)

I can tell you that my Blogger text editor does not like "semidry," "sauterne," "spinachlike," "orach," or "slangily" (all underlined in red by the editor-bot). I've heard of Le Havre, but not the Montana college town. Which college? O my god, Montana State University - Northern, a satellite campus, I guess, in the farthest northern regions of the state. That's a long way to go for this answer. SAUTERNE is surely some pretentious thing that a lot of hardcore solvers will know, but not me. Hmm, actually, it's pretentious in name only. From answers.com:

SAUTERNE

[soh-TERN; saw-TERN] A generic name used in the United States for inexpensive white wines ranging from dry to semisweet. Such wines aren't anything like the famous French sauternes (spelled with a final s) and are often simply jug wines made from a variety of mediocre grapes.

I would not willingly eat anything called ORACH. Unless I were in LVOV, where it's probably a staple. All I know about ASHCAN is that it's the name given to a school of realist painters working in New York City around the turn of last century. They did not paint submarines or the destruction thereof, as far as I know.

56A: Spanish "she" (ella)

Ella is also a beautiful name. Of someone I know. [wink]. And a great jazz singer.

7D: Kind of shell (taco)

Mmmm, timely.

26D: Huey, Dewey and Louie, e.g. (trio)

Jeez, I gotta deal with these ducks nearly every week when Sahra and I go to the comic store, and still this answer gave me trouble (made the rookie mistake of assuming the word was a plural ending in "s"). Lately, Sahra is more into all manner of Archie comics than she is into her earlier comics love, Uncle Scrooge. Yesterday she discovered Richie Rich in a back-issues box, and much as that pampered little jerk Richie and the aristocratic values he represents make the bile rise in my throat, I cannot bring myself to stifle Sahra's curiosity. So I bought her a Richie Rich comic. On the plus side, it was only a dollar, and thus a third of what I'd been paying for, say, Uncle Scrooge (who, like Richie, is tremendously wealthy, but has the decency not to sicken us with pretensions to virtue).

55A: Pot over a fire (olla)
61A: Literary inits. (T.S.E.)

Add 'em to the list of Pantheon nominees. OLLA in particular should rank pretty high in the Pantheon, with an insane crossword-frequency-to-language-frequency ratio. UZIS (5D) and SACS (51D) both aspire to Pantheon status, but are currently banned for reasons of violence and grossing me out, respectively.

47D: Part of a bowling game (frame)

Out of respect for my Kiwi wife ("Kiwife!" ... hey, it's better than "fishwife!") and her lovely home town of Dunedin, NZ, I humbly suggest that in the future FRAME be clued like this: "Dunedin-born writer Janet."

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TUESDAY, Nov. 21, 2006 - Stella Daily and Bruce Venzke

Solving time: 8-ish (on Across Lite)

THEME: "Orchestra" - final words of three long theme entries are BRASS, STRINGS, and WINDS, with the theme ORCHESTRA (58A) also in the grid

First, a correction: at the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament, competitors solve on paper, not the computer. I misunderstood someone's comment at another site. So sorry for yesterday's misinformation.

Second, I have said before, many times, maybe here, certainly elsewhere, that the non-Jerry "Seinfeld" actors are Not funny. I used to have to point to the string of horrid and / or failed vanity sitcom projects to make my point. Now I can just point to this.

Third, I have a question about the phrase "the fourth of never," which I used last night for some reason, to the surprise of my wife who had just heard the phrase used earlier in the day by one of her students. I don't think it's something I've ever said before, and in fact I'm not sure that the proper phrase isn't "fifth of never" or "twelfth of never." Oh, there's a song called "The Twelfth of Never" by, it looks like, Johnny Mathis, and possibly Keith Urban. Maybe Nina Simone sang it too. Oh ick, here's an online Casio keyboard version of some kind. It's actually written by Paul Francis Weber and Jerry Livingstone. It's pretty sappy. OK, back to puzzle. [late addendum: how's this for irony?: I've barely heard of the song "The Twelfth of Never," and yet Two of my favorite musical artists and biggest celebrity crushes have recorded it - why was I not informed? I prefer Dolly Parton's version to Olivia Newton-John's, but it's a pretty close call. The very best version (from what I could gather from the 30-second snippets @ iTunes) is by Nina Simone, yet Another one of my idols. The song just isn't that strong, but if these women are singing, I'm listening. Seriously, I'm downloading the songs right now.]

Today's theme was very clever, neat, tidy, musical. Nice. Couldn't ask for more from a Tuesday puzzle. I especially like that 20A (THEME): Generals and such (military brass) is crossed at the "Y" by 9D: Certain well-traveled child (army brat). Must move even more quickly today, as I'm on Sahra-patrol (she's out of school for the T-giving week, and she and I are due at Denny's to eat breakfast with mommy's students in about a 1/2 hour!).

4D: Morales of "NYPD Blue" (Esai)
41A: Architect Saarinen (Eero)
63A: Pitcher (ewer)

Gimme an "E"! Who opened the "E" pen at Krosswordese Korner? Pantheon stalwarts are running amok. In addition to these "E" words, we have EDER (15A), ERE (2D), EGO (34D), and EX-MET (43A) (that last one -> ouch). I don't know if I'm annoyed by all the conventional fill or amused by the "E" party. It's a close call. There's an abundance of tired fill that doesn't start with "E" - NTWT (55D), AREA (56D), ARIA (53D) [seriously, AREA and ARIA... and in the same neck of the puzzle woods? OK], ODEA (7D) and the old-school, Maleska-era throwback ABIE (19D). This fairly unimaginative short fill is, I'm happy to say, more than made up for by generous interesting longer fill, including ORGIES (22D) and PENMANSHIP (30D), which are two great tastes that taste great together.

6D: Sonnet part (sestet)

Mmmm, sonnet parts. I like the dark meat! Seriously, I do like that SESTET not only means a SIX-line chunk of poetry, but it has SIX letters in it, AND is positioned here at SIX-Down. 6-6-6. Symmetry! And evil...

The Petrarchan sonnet is typically described as having two parts: the octet and the sestet (first eight and last six lines, respectively). Rhyme scheme would usually change at the octet/sestet break. Here is a sonnet by Sir Philip Sidney, the first sonnet from his sonnet sequence Astrophil & Stella. Spelling is modernized, for your pleasure.

Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show,
That she (dear She) might take some pleasure of my pain:
Pleasure might cause her read, reading might make her know,
Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain;
I sought fit words to paint the blackest face of woe,
Studying inventions fine, her wits to entertain:
Oft turning others' leaves, to see if thence would flow
Some fresh and fruitful showers upon my sun-burned brain.
But words came halting forth, wanting Invention's stay,
Invention, Nature's child, fled step-dame Study's blows,
And others' feet still seemed but strangers in my way.
Thus, great with child to speak, and helpless in my throes,
Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite--
"Fool," said my Muse to me, "look in thy heart and write."

I love this poem (as Renaissance poems go), mainly for the line "I sought fit words to paint the blackest face of woe," but also for the weird, urgent pace of the end, which has a crazy masochistic birthing metaphor going on before it settles into the very simple last line. ANYway...

31D: German chancellor Merkel (Angela)

Again. Damn, she gets a lot of puzzle action for a six-letter answer.

49A: One working on the margin, briefly? (Arb)

I am not sure I know what this is short for. Isn't this what Arby's employees proudly call themselves? No, "anonymous" says it's "arbitrager." If it involves money or business in any way, then I am useless. I do not even like managing my own money (much). I have a guy who handles that. Seriously.

51A: Not, to a Scot (Nae!)
45D: Scottish hillside (Brae!)

As in, "NAE! I wilnae go o'er yon BRAE, ye daft wee bairn!" Cue the requisite shot of Willie!:
49D: Playwright Fugard (Athol)

Best name, because it sounds like a lisping guy is shouting profanity. In this picture, we see that ATHOL has a certain unfortunate Manson-ish quality. I know one thing about Athol Fugard. OK, two. One, he is (was?... no, is) South African. Two, he wrote a play called Master Harold and the Boys, which I think was on Broadway starring Matthew Broderick at some point, and which I know I saw at the Ashland, Oregon Shakespeare festival when my entire H.S. English class went on a week-long field-trip there in 1986 (or maybe 1987 - we went both years). It was ... good? I don't remember. I think it's about white guilt over Apartheid. I remember Shakespeare better.

Signed, Rex Parker, King of CrossWorld

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THURSDAY, Nov. 2, 2006 - John Farmer

Solving time: 7:42

THEME: Math! (rather than explain, I'll just give you the theme clues and answers)

20A: Step One: For every answer in this crossword, count this (Number of letters)
38A: Step Two: Take the figure you get for Step One and do this (Multiply by three)
56A: Step Three: Your Step Two result is the letter count for ...! (Each answer's clue)

And yes, 3x=number of letters in the clue, where x=number of letters in the answer. Wow, that was easier to explain than I'd imagined.

iTunes has seen fit to start me off with the Grease soundtrack this morning, so I'm feeling Very Good. John: "I got chills / They're multiplyin' / And I'm loooooooosin' control / 'Cause the power you're supplyin' / It's Electrifyin'!!!!" Then Olivia, singing to me, not John: "You better shape up / 'Cause I need a man / And my heart is set on you. . ." Whatever you say, Olivia, as long as you wear the poodle skirt and not that street-walker get-up Rizzo somehow convinced you to wear at movie's end.

What is up with the last two days' puzzles? I have absolutely torched them (by Rex standards), breaking Rex records for Wednesday and Thursday puzzles on back-to-back days. I even did today's puzzle on screen, with the Across Lite ap, which normally slows me down - but today I entered the first six Across clues one after the other, all (it turns out) correctly. [iTunes has "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens on now ... do you know it? I LOVE it. Soundtrack-worthy. A kind of shout-out to my Chicago reader(s)]. Plus, this puzzle was math-tacular, and the second theme answer came very easily and intuitively after I'd solved the first. Nice that this math-related puzzle also has 1A: Pre-calc class (Trig) and 61A: SAT component (Math) in the grid, in addition to the three long theme answers. Oh, and it's got 59D: P's, to Pericles (rhos), which I'm sure must be mathematical symbols of some sort... anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

This morning, I got to read the gigantic Halloween story that Sahra's class (collectively) had written earlier in the week. It was hanging on several gigantic pieces of yellow lined paper tacked up to the wall (12 sq. ft. of story!). The story was awesomely structure-free with monsters chasing kids chasing monsters into homes and out of homes and down to Spooky River (!) and then it was all a dream but then it wasn't but then the mummies and vampires and witches all died and the kids slept well because they were full of candy. The End.

10A: Dandy fellows (fops)

A great, under-utilized word, perhaps because FOPS seem to be a time period-specific (and British) phenomenon. The word originally referred to socially aspirant men who aped the dress and manners of the aristocracy in very showy, flowery, excessive ways. Wigs and ruffles and rouge and lisping and what not. I just now learned (from Wikipedia) that there was an early 80s phenomenon known as "Fop-Rock," which included the likes of Adam Ant and Falco. I own(ed) albums by both of them. I did not know that their anachronistic love of castles, stagecoaches, and Vienna made them "foppish." Although, looking back at the "Goody Two-Shoes" video ... I mean, he's chasing a hot chick, but he is quite pretty and ruffly and made-up himself. But those early-80s New Wave, New Romantic pop stars - they all loved their hair and make-up and flouncy clothing. Girly guys chasing girls. I could dig it.

14A: Old VCR format (Beta)

HA ha, this is rich. It reminds me of my dad, who would always buy the latest electronic gadgets. He was especially drawn to those gadgets that cost monstrous sums of money and then became obsolete two years later, and BETA was one of them. The Gigantic Laser Disc (album-sized) was another. He has scores of (not cheap) movies on Laser Disc that he will never be able to watch again unless he dusts off that old player, which was the size of a small spaceship. I joke about it, but that Laser Disc player made my adolescence a blast. I will always remember it fondly, because it was how I watched great movies like Night Shift and Michael Nesmith's Elephant Parts and The Making of Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Why my dad thought it was cool for a 12- and 9-year old to watch (Repeatedly) a comedy about the organization of a hookers' union is beyond me, but thank god he did. I mean, come on - this is how I knew Shelley Long (before I ever saw a single episode of Cheers):OK, I'm going to stop reliving the psycho-sexual dynamics of my adolescence now. Adam Ant and Shelley Long are enough for one day.

41A: Footnote abbr. (ibid.)

The one place I stumbled in the puzzle. I had ET AL. In fact, so much do I want this to be ET AL., I even just now entered it as the correct answer in the bold heading of this entry. ET AL. gave me NUTS for 33D: Central parts (Nubs), which seemed fine to me. Eventually I realized that one does not FLAP A COIN (34D: Decide by calling heads or tails), and the problem was fixed.

42A: A foot wide? (EEE)

This, like OOOO (as exclamation), SSSS (as a hissing sound), AAA, and the like, always seems slightly cheap to me. I mean, why not go to EEEEE. That's a foot width, too (I think). My wide feet make foot-width clues quite obvious to me. I have been a bit foot-obsessed lately, as I pronate like crazy, and I now have to wear orthotic inserts in my shoes. More information on my feet in coming episodes, I'm sure.

4D: Star of "Ninotchka" (Garbo)

OK, I'm off to find the hottest head-shot in the history of movie-dom. Hang on... Oh, yeah, I want this for my birthday. I saw this hanging in my local frame shop and I believe I just stood and stared at it for many minutes. I don't think I've ever seen a Garbo movie, but I intend to.

6D: Put away, crypt-ically? (entomb)

And the Halloween fun continues. See also (sort of) 16A: Peek follower (a-BOO!).

9D: "Garfield" foil (Odie)

"Foil," that's awesome. Like he's a secondary character in a Shakespearean tragedy. Rich. Have I mentioned Sahra's absurd passion for Garfield, particularly the recent Bill Murray movies? Oh yeah. You have a kid, and you want it to have good taste, so you expose it to the things you love, hoping some of it will take. And then a bloated, computer-generated, 20-years-past-his-prime cartoon cat comes along. And then all of your best-laid plans go pffft as you watch your child double-over in tearful laughter while trying to tell you about Garfield's encounter with a bidet. To her credit, however, Sahra loves all things Looney Tunes and knows the name of Wile E. Coyote's favorite mail-order catalog (given here in the plural): 52D: Ultimate heights (Acmes).

55A: Joy of the morning? (Behar)

QUESTION MARK, indeed. The irony runs deep, as she brings Joy to no one.

56D: Actor Morales (Esai)

"Mr. Morales, it's the Pantheon on line 1. They want to know if you'll be able to attend the induction ceremony ... I don't know, something about your freakishly vowel-ridden name."

57D: "I get it," jokily (Ah, so)

Is "racistly" an adverb? Because I'm pretty sure you have to say "AH, SO" with your eyes squinted, while bowing slightly. It's something Richard Dawson not only would, but did say, from time to time, on Match Game. You might want to follow up AH, SO with "Confucius say..." or "Ancient Chinese secret." Then start saying your R's as L's, and you're ready to take your Asian-baiting show on the road! "Ah, So" was a catch phrase of Mr. Moto in old films. Moto was played, yellow-facedly, by the otherwise amazing Peter Lorre. He was supposed to be Japanese, for the record. I much prefer Lorre as the child murderer in M, or, better yet, as the decidedly FOPPISH Joel Cairo in The Maltese Falcon.

Signed, Rex Parker, King of CrossWorld

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